I'm not going to look back at posts from the past right now, but I do feel as though many, if not all, of my posts start out with me stating how bad I am at this. And my feelings about that statement are still as true as ever, but with new goals set, I hope to change that.
I have received some new inspiration, from other friends who are bloggers, and some people I consider role models, who are also bloggers... I am hoping this blog can be more than just me feeling as though I could use this as a journal until I can actually discipline myself enough to sit and write in an actual journal, but to be about my husband and our marriage, about our new little addition who will be making her debut next month, about trying to be more crafty and creating my own projects (since I have a few friends that make it look so easy already), ;) about desires, beliefs, adventures, and so much more. I want to even learn how to add photos to this thing and to make this blog look more personal and more ME. But to achieve that, I must take this one step at a time.
And with that, I have begun another post.
The difficult thing about starting a new post is where to start. Because it's been some time, and so much has happened, how can I write another post without feeling as though I have to write a novel to catch myself (since not many others, if anyone, actually reads this) up?
Breathe... (try to relax while breathing and ignore the stretching of a little human making your rib feel like it could move out of the way)...
It's March 21st. It already feels like summer. We reached the 90s last week, and looks like everyday this week will show the same. As much as I feel as though I would look like a baby whale in a swimsuit, everyday since the temps reached the 80s, I want to find a pool and enjoy the weather that brings about BBQs, lemonade stands, and vacations. Sad fact is that the pools I have access to are still so cold, and I bet this little one inside would probably get a kick (literally) out of that.
Bryce went back to school today, first day back after spring break, and he was pretty bummed. We are apartment managers so we didn't really get to go anywhere for spring break since we had to take care of our tenants and transition the apartments (maintenance turning heaters off and swamp coolers on). We did find ways to keep ourselves entertained though.
To begin spring break, we did take one day off work, and Bryce and I got to reunite with some of my running buddies as we tackled Ragnar Del Sol from Friday morning to Saturday afternoon. We cheered each other on, made new friends, and supported other fellow runners as we completed a 200 mile-ish race. One of our runners couldn't make it in time for her first of three runs, so Bryce ran her first run. He had 3 legs to complete as well, but I got to run his night leg, at around midnight, which was just over 5 miles. He was too nervous to let me tackle 3 legs, at 34 weeks pregnant, especially with the Phoenix heat, but I was happy enough with one, knowing I had helped my team. :) Ragnar is such a unique experience, I would've been happy just volunteering and helping guide runners along the course, if that's all that was offered to me. If you don't know what Ragnar is, I suggest you look into it and see if you can get a team together, or, you could even join a random team. I did that a few times and have made new friends, some I continue to run with, every time.
Pi Day! We didn't really celebrate it but it was the anniversary of two friends of mine and also a good friend, Jentry Taylor's birthday. We've been friends since I was 8, and I always remember her birthday because when we shared that info. with each other at that age, we thought it was the coolest thing that she was EXACTLY 5 months older than me. :) I still think it's pretty legit. So celebratory messages went out to them all.
As much as I never wanted to clean as part of a job, Bryce and I clean our bishop's dentist office twice a week to earn a little extra money each week, so that was part of our spring break adventures. It's not an activity I look forward to, but looking back on these last few months of doing it, I realize that I'm just strengthening my cleaning skills for when I don't get paid, aka, when I clean our apartment, and someday a home that'll be even bigger. So I do my best to keep myself in good spirits, even though some of the cleaning products don't have the best of smells. :P
We also have little scouts we teach. :) I believe we have five or six boys, ages from maybe 8-10, but we've only had 2 show up during the last month, sometimes the same two, sometimes two different kids. Whether 6 or 2, it's been fun to watch them learn and to learn myself (patience mostly). Last week we had Kai and Karim show up. Karim is kind of quiet and not very confident in himself, and with that, he doesn't like to participate much, will listen, but takes a little coaxing to get him to enjoy the activity. That's just it though, he may say he doesn't like the activity, or think it's funny (the last few weeks have been about jokes and stories), but it doesn't take long to get him laughing. Kai is a good support to him. Kai will always encourage him to participate or to read his story, and Kai will always laugh. He makes Karim laugh and smile and encouraged him to share one of his jokes with the boys in the older group. Sometimes I think these little boys are on sugar highs and don't want to be there or listen, but when you work with them, and give them a little time to get to know you, seeing them get passed that stage and take away a lesson each time we meet, it's rewarding and makes your heart smile.
The last weekend of spring break was a busy one, full of many emotions. On the 13th of this month, I found out a good friend of mine, Chelsey, passed away on the 9th, age 27, unexpectedly. A good friend of mine, Ky, who I hadn't talked to in quite some time, called me on the morning of the 13th, and I didn't answer because I was busy, and figured I would call him back when I finished. Jentry messaged me not long after, asking if the news were true (she found a post on Facebook), and I realized that must've been what Ky was calling me about. I called him back and he told me the news. I asked if he knew what happened and he didn't. I asked how he was doing, and he told me he would be driving down from Montana in a few days, to attend the funeral that was on the 18th, in Scottsdale. I told him I wouldn't miss it for anything, and that even though the circumstances weren't favorable in the least, I was looking forward to seeing him (since I hadn't seen him for about 7 years). We both tried to get a hold of anyone we knew, who had been close to her growing up, telling them of the news along with the information for the funeral. Most asked how it happened and we told them we knew as much as they did. The next morning, when I woke up, I was hoping yesterday had been a dream, that Ky hadn't called, and Chelsey was still here. Within the next few days I had a couple of moments where I just needed to be by myself, one being a time Bryce found me, and sat with me, quiet, until I was finished.
When the morning of the 18th came, Bryce went out and did what he needed to do, and I started the drive to Scottsdale in silence. I tried to listen to music but commercials and songs all just seemed like noise so I just turned it off and watched the road. I looked back on the day we met, the many memories following, trying to keep up while our adventures continued in different cities, inviting her to the wedding, excited she was coming, her not making it because she had to stay at work, and trying to get together with her after, but to no avail since our schedules just didn't mesh and she was going to be moving before I could try harder to meet up. And how it was difficult not to tear up when you realize you should've tried harder and now you can't because she physically isn't here.
If you do happen take the time to read this blog post, whether you know me or not... if you have a date night, a hang out with friends this week, a party night, a treat yourself night, whatever it may be, I encourage you to pass this week and donate that money you would've spent, to Chelsey's little girl. There is a fund setup for her, to help provide for her, since all the help that can be received is very much appreciated, with Chelsey's husband finishing his first year of residency and now having to raise their little one, Maddie Jay, with the help of his and Chelsey's families, instead of predominantly Chelsey herself. This little one will only have memories of her mother shared with her, and many will there be and she will know her as well as she can. But, there is something about a mother's voice, a mother's touch, a mother's love, that she will have to wait to experience for years to come.
Please go to this website! No matter how small a donation, it matters.
https://www.gofundme.com/in-memory-of-chelsey-barnwell
I was able to talk with Ky and his mother for a bit, and also realized Chelsey knew some friends of mine I had met at completely different times of my life and had found their way into Chelsey's, so I was able to catch up with them for a moment.
Ky was as a big brother growing up, especially when we played soccer together. We were all surrounded by friends during cross country and track seasons, but when it came to me playing soccer, I felt a little bit of a protective instinct. Ky's father was a coach for a club soccer team in our small town. One of the years they didn't offer a girls team so I asked his father if I could be on the boys team. He looked into it and said I would have to tryout just as all the other boys. I did, and I made it. Having some friends, and my brother on the team, and making new friends... it was so fun. It was a little different having a team allow me that feeling of protection, but it was nice, and also quite fun if any guys on other teams tried to make a stink about it, or make fun of me. Spending more time with Ky, and my brother of course, was something I missed more than anyone will know, when the season was over.
His mother was always so kind, treated all of Ky's friends as her own children. My mom and her became much closer during the soccer season and made it more fun to see them interact and hang out during cross country and track seasons. Parents need friends too, you know. ;) So catching up with her was a tender mercy. She's always been so loving and compassionate. I don't think there was a time during the funeral where her face was dry. Even when hugging her outside the chapel, she teared up when she saw me, most likely because even though it was a happy reunion, the circumstances by which we were seeing each other were probably the least favorable. When she pulled away, she was smiling, asking me when I was due, after Ky said, "look how stupid pregnant she is." Haha. At first I didn't know how to react to such a comment, but knowing Ky, I just smiled and had an eye roll moment.
The last time they had been to a funeral was for Ky's dad's funeral. When we were in high school his dad died unexpectedly and I don't believe they ever were able to find out what happened. He was active, more than just our soccer coach. He went on a morning run with the family dogs and didn't come back. The dogs came back to the house without him and that's how they knew something wasn't right. They found him on the trail, and from what was found, they believe his heart just stopped. Just stopped. But from what I know, they still don't know for sure. And to have another sweet part of their lives leave the same way, I couldn't imagine how difficult it was for Ky and his mom to be there. They knew Chelsey and her family better than I did. I'm pretty sure Ky and Chelsey were diaper buds. I felt it an honor to be with them at the funeral, to be in their company, to sit with them, to give and receive warm hugs from them... being close to people who knew so much about Chelsey and were willing to share some of that with me.
I took pictures of the display they had made up for her outside the chapel. There was no way I could walk away without taking a piece of her memorial with me. I know pictures and the things in the pictures can't stay up and talk to me all night, they can't give me a hug, they can't go out to lunch with me when I'm in town... but they can provide motivation, support, comfort... As difficult it is for family and friends, and the fact it seems unfair, Heavenly Father must have needed her with Him for an important and specific purpose. It's difficult to keep back the tears even though that truth I can feel so strongly in my heart.
This doesn't mean she is gone. This doesn't mean she will stop being loved. This doesn't mean we have to talk about her as if she "was" this or she "use to be" this or I "loved" her lots, but she is still an "is" and family and friends will continue to LOVE her.
If you do happen take the time to read this blog post, whether you know me or not... if you have a date night, a hang out with friends this week, a party night, a treat yourself night, whatever it may be, I encourage you to pass this week and donate that money you would've spent, to Chelsey's little girl. There is a fund setup for her, to help provide for her, since all the help that can be received is very much appreciated, with Chelsey's husband finishing his first year of residency and now having to raise their little one, Maddie Jay, with the help of his and Chelsey's families, instead of predominantly Chelsey herself. This little one will only have memories of her mother shared with her, and many will there be and she will know her as well as she can. But, there is something about a mother's voice, a mother's touch, a mother's love, that she will have to wait to experience for years to come.
Please go to this website! No matter how small a donation, it matters.
https://www.gofundme.com/in-memory-of-chelsey-barnwell
I was able to talk with Ky and his mother for a bit, and also realized Chelsey knew some friends of mine I had met at completely different times of my life and had found their way into Chelsey's, so I was able to catch up with them for a moment.
Ky was as a big brother growing up, especially when we played soccer together. We were all surrounded by friends during cross country and track seasons, but when it came to me playing soccer, I felt a little bit of a protective instinct. Ky's father was a coach for a club soccer team in our small town. One of the years they didn't offer a girls team so I asked his father if I could be on the boys team. He looked into it and said I would have to tryout just as all the other boys. I did, and I made it. Having some friends, and my brother on the team, and making new friends... it was so fun. It was a little different having a team allow me that feeling of protection, but it was nice, and also quite fun if any guys on other teams tried to make a stink about it, or make fun of me. Spending more time with Ky, and my brother of course, was something I missed more than anyone will know, when the season was over.
His mother was always so kind, treated all of Ky's friends as her own children. My mom and her became much closer during the soccer season and made it more fun to see them interact and hang out during cross country and track seasons. Parents need friends too, you know. ;) So catching up with her was a tender mercy. She's always been so loving and compassionate. I don't think there was a time during the funeral where her face was dry. Even when hugging her outside the chapel, she teared up when she saw me, most likely because even though it was a happy reunion, the circumstances by which we were seeing each other were probably the least favorable. When she pulled away, she was smiling, asking me when I was due, after Ky said, "look how stupid pregnant she is." Haha. At first I didn't know how to react to such a comment, but knowing Ky, I just smiled and had an eye roll moment.
The last time they had been to a funeral was for Ky's dad's funeral. When we were in high school his dad died unexpectedly and I don't believe they ever were able to find out what happened. He was active, more than just our soccer coach. He went on a morning run with the family dogs and didn't come back. The dogs came back to the house without him and that's how they knew something wasn't right. They found him on the trail, and from what was found, they believe his heart just stopped. Just stopped. But from what I know, they still don't know for sure. And to have another sweet part of their lives leave the same way, I couldn't imagine how difficult it was for Ky and his mom to be there. They knew Chelsey and her family better than I did. I'm pretty sure Ky and Chelsey were diaper buds. I felt it an honor to be with them at the funeral, to be in their company, to sit with them, to give and receive warm hugs from them... being close to people who knew so much about Chelsey and were willing to share some of that with me.
I took pictures of the display they had made up for her outside the chapel. There was no way I could walk away without taking a piece of her memorial with me. I know pictures and the things in the pictures can't stay up and talk to me all night, they can't give me a hug, they can't go out to lunch with me when I'm in town... but they can provide motivation, support, comfort... As difficult it is for family and friends, and the fact it seems unfair, Heavenly Father must have needed her with Him for an important and specific purpose. It's difficult to keep back the tears even though that truth I can feel so strongly in my heart.
This doesn't mean she is gone. This doesn't mean she will stop being loved. This doesn't mean we have to talk about her as if she "was" this or she "use to be" this or I "loved" her lots, but she is still an "is" and family and friends will continue to LOVE her.
I couldn't stay long, said my farewells, and made the drive back to Tucson, where I was then able to lay down for a moment and look at this bump that made my feet disappear. I love my husband and how he knows there are moments when I need to be by myself and just ponder. I sat there thinking of all the feelings I had at the funeral, all the people I saw and how they were feeling, all the photos of Chelsey in different stages of her life that I saw... not knowing what any of their lives are going to be like after this. I don't know how well they know Chelsey, but I wondered what they would do, after they left the chapel and had to move through the rest of their day, and the days to follow. As I looked at this bump, I tried to see my future, the fact that in about a month I would experience so many different emotions, many possibly being the same or very similar to feelings I felt at the funeral... how will I cope? How will I learn? How will I use these experiences to make me stronger? I guess I'll have to let you know when I figure it out myself.
After taking some time to myself, I had to get ready to head south of Tucson, to spend time with some of Bryce's extended family. There are quite a few of them that live down in this little town we call St. David. I figured since Bryce didn't get to relax much during spring break, that he would want to spend time with family, so I asked his mom and one of his aunts if they wanted to get our families together for a BBQ, and it so happened that everyone was free on Saturday night so we brought dutch oven peach cobbler ingredients, Bryce's mom brought potato salad and homemade rolls (soooo delicious), and his aunts family provided pasta salad, fruit, hotdogs, and sirloin pork chops (I didn't know that was a thing but apparently it is). :P It was refreshing to get out of the city, enjoy the quiet, small town living, and to catch up with family we hadn't seen for a while.
The stars were a sight to see, as they always are. I forget how much I miss them, being in a busy city and not taking a second guess to really look for them since you kind of just tell yourself it's useless to even try to look for them while in the city.
Spring break turned out to be eventful even though Bryce and I didn't go very far or take a formal vacation. But with Bryce having a break from school, it allowed us both to be reminded of some of the more important things... Bryce was able to help his family around their house quite a bit, and I was able to talk with my family a little more and get more excited to see them next month. I don't like how sometimes an outside source makes your schedule less busy and that's when you are reminded of the more important parts of life, but hey, I'll take it, and hope that next time I'll have done it myself and already have made the changes I need to, to make those important parts of life important everyday and not just somedays.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I miss many of them both.
I want to be better.
I know with each day I can be if I chose to and ACT, to make it so.
I want to have closer relationships.
I know that I can.
Life is amazing, difficult, stressful, fun, adventurous, mysterious...
Step outside. Let's makes things happen today.
Hopefully with this post it means I'm back on track, but we will just take one step at a time and at least be satisfied with this much, as I strive to be better. :) Now that I have one step down, hopefully I can take another and figure out how to post photos and maybe update the look and name of this blog to make it more of the current me. :)
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